Stu made the introductions and Alex was quickly signed to write a "gonzo" script. There are two types of porn scripts -- features and gonzos. Features bring a writer $2,000 to $3,000 for 80-plus pages and some semblance of plot. Gonzos are quickies. Writers get $200 to $500 for a short and uninvolved script that provides dialogue between sex scenes. ("Pizza delivery. No money? Let's get it on.") Most new writers cut their teeth on gonzos. Not a lot of dough, but not a lot of time, either. "It's been remarkably easy. If I spend more than two hours on a gonzo, I'm giving it too much thought." Two hours comes to $100 to $250 an hour.Like box-car racing, prom night and emergency room medicine, writing porn is less glamorous than it sounds. The first disappointment is that porn writers are not paid to bring their own sexual fantasies to life, they just write the dialogue between the sex scenes. All that's needed is shorthand, which looks something like this: SS#1, B/G.
Alex explains: "The director only needs to know are how many sex scenes there are ("SS"), how many men and/or women are needed for each scene ("B/G"), and if any anal sex is taking place." A script needs at least one lesbian scene and one anal scene, but other than that, it's up to the writer. "I've been told that I can include as many men as I want, because men are cheap and there is no shortage of guys in Hollywood looking to get into porn. But actresses are expensive and more difficult to find." In other words, a B/B/B/B/B/G scene is no problem, but a G/G/G scene may break the budget.
The second disappointment, at least for a comedy writer, is that porn is seldom funny. Intentionally funny, that is. "I'm doing my damnedest to include some comic sensibilities in the script I'm developing, but it's been difficult. For one thing, most porn stars are terrible actors, with little or no understanding of how comedy works. The producers of porn are well aware of this, and they try to discourage their writers from doing comedy. More often than not, it just turns into a huge embarrassment for all involved."
Disappointment number three is that watching live sex isn't all that exciting. Alex has watched porn shoots in backyards, studio apartments, and basements ripe with the stench of urine and battery acid. "There is absolutely nothing erotic about the experience, despite all the live sex taking place. On my first shoot, I watched a woman who was no more than five foot two, maybe one hundred pounds, try to mount a man with elephantiasis of the genitals. The scene took three agonizing hours to complete, and it was an exercise in revulsion. I can only hope the poor woman went directly to a gynecologist."
"The more offensive and abhorrent these merchants of filth prove themselves to be, the more giddy I become that I've somehow convinced them to invite me to their hootenanny of the damned."
Alex's family has been oddly supportive of his new rent job. In fact, Alex's uncle wants Alex to use his name as a pseudonym. "He figures that at this stage in his life it isn't going to hurt his career prospects, and it'd give him bragging rights in Florida among his friends."
Alex's father, a minister (isn't that always the case?) and therapist, thinks Alex's foray into porn is hysterical. "We've joked about him visiting the set when he comes to L.A., where he will proudly proclaim, 'My boy wrote this!'"
Alex's mother, on the other hand, is a little nervous. "She worries that I might get 'sucked into their world,' following the logic, I suppose, of the 'pot leads to heroin' theorem." Alex's wife Molly, a fellow comedy writer, wholly approves of Alex's new writing gig, and "has no problem with me going on the set, though she has no interest in visiting one herself."
The only person in Alex's immediate circle who is upset is his literary agent (who insisted that Alex's real name not be used for this story). "With my novel currently being considered by publishers, he's fearful of word getting around about my day job."
Alex's agent is right to worry. Writing porn is risky business for a serious writer. If a moonlighting writer delivers a porn script that's too good, he is in danger of winning a career-destroying award. For example, Stu's pride in his work has come back to haunt him in the form of a possible nomination for an AVN (Adult Video News) Award, the porn equivalent of an Oscar. If he gets nominated, he'll appear at the awards ceremony, and if he wins, his photo will likely appear in magazines like Hustler and Penthouse. This could have serious financial consequences.
"If that happens, Stu will go from being an unknown entity to a visible presence in porn," Alex says. Even with the winking acceptance of movies like Boogie Nights, Hollywood may blush at accepting ideas from someone known for his work in blue movies. Stu may have accidentally traded his shot at big bucks in Hollywood for a fast buck in porn.
None of Alex's gonzo scripts have been produced yet, and if Alex's agent has his way, you won't know they're Alex's when they are. According to the producers, they still need to determine their budget for the next year before green-lighting any new films. According to Stu, the producers prefer to wait until the holidays, when fresh batches of teenage runaways make the pilgrimage to L.A. But seeing the guts of the business has not turned Alex off porn altogether. "Any illusions I had that porn was a glamorous profession have long since disappeared. But strangely, I've grown fonder of my mentors with each new experience. The more offensive and abhorrent these merchants of filth prove themselves to be, the more giddy I become that I've somehow convinced them to invite me to their hootenanny of the damned."
